Did I love you enough today?

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It’s 8:55 and I just tucked the last of the kids into bed. He didn’t want me to go… He clutched my hand asking for just a few moments longer. I squeezed him tight, told him how proud I was of him and how much I loved him, kissed his sweet lips, and bid him good night. Should I have stayed? Did I love him enough today?

This is the one night a week Dad works late so I’m on my own with the kiddos. After school I took Grayson and a friend to the Halloween store. He loves Halloween. We spent about 40 minutes in there, Ellie bucked like a bronco on my back for about 30 of those minutes and Izzy hung close for fear of the animated ghouls.

Loading and unloading from the car is never a simple feat. Izzy insists on entering and exiting the vehicle first, won’t get into her carseat unless all the buckles are moved out of the way, and inevitably once she’s (finally) strapped in, has to pee. So we do so in the parking lot. I wipe clean the seat, go back through the steps, and we are off.
Once at home it’s game time. We are in extra innings and the game is tied. I’ve maintained my patience for the most part throughout the day but I’m tired and 3 people need me all at once. I feel pulled in so many directions. Ellie is crying at my feet to be held, Izzy is insisting on drinking milk from a big cup, and Grayson is asking for me to put batteries in his light saber. It’s time to start dinner.

Izzy spills her milk. Grayson waits patiently as he takes a back seat to his 2 crying sisters. I pour a class of wine and make some rice. 

Am I giving them all what they need? Did I comfort Izzy enough when her milk flew across the floor and the tears came pouring down? Did Ellie get what she needed as I hastily nursed her while putting batteries in the light saber? Did Grayson pick up on my frustration as I searched for the right size screwdriver for his toy? 

We took a long walk as we do most nights and the girls fell asleep while strolling. Score for the home team. Maybe we are actually winning. Grayson and I then decorated the yard a bit before heading to bed. Another point, perhaps?

Now that I’m “done” for the day… Or at least until Ellie wakes up, I make my way downstairs, change out the toilet paper roll, wash the “little potty”, rinse the dinner dishes, make Jon some sandwiches for tomorrow and lay out his scrubs. Then I  sit down to write this. Maybe I should be cleaning, or setting out play invitations for tomorrow, or making dinner for my husband. I definitely should consider doing laundry. But to be honest, I’m spent. And I’m left wondering, did I love them enough today? 

Gosh I hope so. I sure did try. 

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